ETERNAL SOUL FOOD

I really try not do “guilty pleasures.”   I’ve spent most of my life trying to recover from a quasi-catholic upbringing, and I’ve decided that pleasure is not a thing to be guilty about.  On the other hand I’m well aware that many of my foodie friends wouldn’t be seen dead in an Applebee’s.  Well, that’s there problem not mine. 

When I find myself in Yucca Valley, as I do once in a while, chances are I’ll also find myself enjoying happy hour Applebee’s.  It’s an unsophisticated pleasure for sure, but not a guilty one.  And this time as I sat enjoying my 4 o’clock beer I read my cocktail napkin:

“We see you’re taking off a load and enjoying a nice cold beverage.  Hey, you earned it.  Probably. Just lke you do every day.  So drink up, friend.  The workday will be back soon.  And hopefully, so will you.”  Man, it was like they knew me better than I know myself. 

And to go with the nice cold beverage we had “brew pub pretzels and beer cheese dip.”  I liked all the words in that sentence and I also liked the description: “White cheddar mixed with craft beer and roasted garlic creates a savory dip served alongside warm pretzel sticks seasoned with sesame seeds, coarse salt and crushed red pepper. Comes with Honey Dijon mustard sauce.” Anyway they came and they looked like this.

The real oddity was that they didn’t in any way resemble a pretzel.  They were more like a long stick of savory donut, which is OK if you like that kind of thing, and I could have used more dip, but I wasn’t complaining.

And I did like this message on the menu, “To our guests with food sensitivities or allergies: Applebee's cannot ensure that menu items do not contain ingredients that might cause an allergic reaction. Please consider this when ordering.”  I considered it and I approved.  Hey kid, you’re on your own when you eat at Appleby’s -  it’s the American way.

Next day down the road in Palm Springs I went to the King’s Highway, a faux retro diner, part of the Ace Hotel and Swim Club (yep, that’s what they call it), a place so painfully hip that I’m surprised they let me within a hundred yards.  But damn, they do a good breakfast.  Green Eggs and Ham in this case:

Very Dr, Seuss, though in this case the green is caused by mixing avocado into the Hollandaise, and the ham is Spanish lomo.  It made me vey happy – rather happier than the happy hour at Applebee’s did, but as Pete Seeger would have said, to everything there is a season.

I just read a1982 interview with the late, great Mr. Seeger, talking about his Clearwater Festival that used to go on in upstate New York, “We have a huge iron cauldron, and we make what we call stone soup. You likely know the story about this dish: In the tale, a soldier comes into a small village and—after being refused food offers his dinner of boiled stones to all the townsfolk. Gradually, each of those formerly stingy people contributes carrots, potatoes, meat, seasonings, or whatever to the broth . . . producing a truly delectable stew. Well, we printed the tale in our local newspaper's an old, old folk story-and the symbolism of it came home to my town. Clearwater comes to Beacon once a year, and every year my wife and volunteers serve stone soup to over 1,000 people, free of charge.  We also serve strawberry shortcake ..”  I can’t find a picture of Pete Seeger eating, but here he is instead, facing the House Un-American Activities Commission.

CHUBBY CHASING

What with one thing and another (health concerns, public education, Michelle Obama’s “let’s move” campaign, and fast food joints listing calorie counts on their menus)  you may have been worrying that America is running out of ways to fill its eager, bloated craw with carbs and fats.  Fear not, Applebee’s is on the case.

After some moderately strenuous hiking in Joshua Tree last weekend we slipped into our booth in the Yucca Valley Applebee’s just as happy hour was starting, and for a mere four dollars we got a plate of Potato Twisters (that's it above), described on the menu as “A mountain of spiral cut potatoes served with spicy Queso Blanco and pico de gallo.”  Were they any good?   Well yes, though somehow not quite as good as I thought a plate of fried potatoes and melted cheese ought to be.

The menu told us the Potato Twisters came in at 970 calories.  Will you be surprised when I tell you this was designated as an appetizer and was actually one of the lower calorie choices? Other appetizers included the Cheese Quesadilla Grande containing 1130 calories, the Spinach and Artichoke Dip clocking in at around 1500 calories, and top of the shop were the Cheese Burger Sliders with fries – 1660 calories, though for an extra fifty cents you could add 60 calories worth of bacon.  Whose appetite could fail to be whetted?  And I think we can rest assured that the American heart attack and diabetes industries won’t be going out of business any time soon.

In not entirely unrelated news, if you were to go into the 99c Store on Sunset Boulevard, you could buy a brand of soda that I’ve certainly never seen on sale anywhere else, that rejoices in the name of Chubby.

As you see, it certainly seems to be aimed at children - and it certainly tastes undrinkable to this adult - and you might think it’s sending the dubious message that it’s a good thing to be chubby.  In any case, that’s truth in advertising you’ve got right there, with no suggestion that Chubby is presenting itself as part of some healthy, active lifestyle the way certain sodas do.

And in any case, I’m sure Chubby is a great preparation for adulthood, when the drinker can move on from "orango tango" to Fat Bastard wine.  I’m particularly taken with the Fat Bastard slogan “Live large, live long.”  Yeah right.  You want some Potato Twisters with that?